The Spirit of the Stairwell

Have you seen my teeth?

Let me answer that question for you, no you haven’t. You know why? Because I never show them to anyone. Look at any picture of me and you’ll see I always smile with my lips closed.

My teeth are rubbish, they’re small and they’re acid damaged and I hate them. Know what else I hate? Going to the dentist.

I’m going on Wednesday.

I’ve definitely got at least one cavity and I’m pretty sure one of my other teeth is loose. This essentially means two things – financial outlay and pain. Brilliant. Got to love paying people to hurt you. Best. Day. Ever.

What makes it worse is that my girlfriend’s brother, Luke, is in the process of becoming a dentist. He’s just entered his second year and his medical knowledge currently hovers somewhere between partial diagnosis and full mastery. This means he knows just enough long words to get me worried without really being able to furnish me with anything approaching a concrete fact. A conversation with him will go something like this:

Me: Hello, Dr Luke

Dr Luke: Don’t call me that.

Me: Chill out, Luke.

Dr Luke: Sorry. Do you want to see some kick ass guitar playing on YouTube?

Me: You’ve shown me all of the guitar playing on YouTube, Luke. Every. Single. Bit.

Dr Luke: Kick ass.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Dr Luke: Is it how to wear a neckerchief to drive the women crazy?

Me: Erm … no.

Dr Luke: Do you like my neckerchief though?

Me: Not really. It makes you look like a nineteenth century street urchin.

Dr Luke: (pouts)

Me: So … about this question?

Dr Luke: Yes?

Me: One of my teeth is wobbly.

Dr Luke: Really? That’ll be to do with the effects of force magnitude as it pertains to the direction of tooth movement on different alveolar bone types.

Me: What?

Dr Luke: Don’t worry. (shakes head slowly) You wouldn’t understand. Is it bilateral movement?

Me: What?

Dr Luke: (as if talking to a small child) Is it wobbling from side to side?

Me: No, backwards and forwards.

Dr Luke: Hmmm, I think we’re dealing with the effect of bisphosphonates on orthodontic tooth movement. It’s either gum disease, damage to the dentine and pulp, you’re roots are cracked or it’s nothing at all.

Me: Well which is it? Is it serious?

Dr Luke: I’m afraid I can’t answer that. It’s not an exact science. But I would book an appointment immediately if you don’t want to lose your lower jaw.

Etc.

Luke has actually offered to put my teeth right as part of his third year project so I shouldn’t complain too much. He’sdoing incredibly well with his studies and regularly comes in top of his class which is brilliant. The problem now is maintaing my dental integrity long enough to take advantage of his kind offer. I worry about it so much I end up grinding my teeth into dust which is the very definition of self-defeating.

Anyway, there’s no point dwelling on it, I guess all I can do now is grin and bear it.

But with my lips firmly closed.