Reviews listed from best to worst.

#2

Laura’s Chocolate & Beef Stew (bespoke foodstuff) By all the laws of/ God and man it shouldn’t work/ but somehow it does  Dr Horrible’s Sing Along Blog (web comic) If you haven’t seen/ this yet then you can’t be my/ friend until you do Jamie’s Italian (restaurant) He may act like an/ idiot but the boy sure/ knows how to cook pork  Brick (film) The Maltese Falcon/ meets 10 Things I Hate About/ You but with more laughs  District 9 (film) Has a great bit in/ it where someone is killed by/ a jet-propelled pig  Bejeweled Blitz Beta (facebook app) We should all live life/ to the full. But first I’ll have/ one more go on this  Cyanide & Happiness (web comic) Badly drawn and in/ questionable taste but when/ it’s good you’ll laugh hard  Old People Karaoke (pastime) Sing us your heart’s song/ memories fade to echoes/ melodies linger  The Final Destination 3D (film) Shit in 3D is/ still shit. Oh look another/ evisceration  The Boondock Saints (film) I am Troy Duffy/ I’m the new Tarantino/ Actually I’m not  

Here are two seemingly unrelated facts for you.

Fact One Napoleon invented the shape of the classic French baguette so that soldiers could store bread in their trouser leg

Fact Two Cinemas don’t make a profit on film tickets, all their money comes from stuff you buy on the concession stands (a large popcorn’s net value is like 27p); this is why you’re not allowed to bring your own food into screens

And so it was with these two facts uppermost in my mind that today I attempted to smuggle a Nando’s Hot Chicken Wrap into the cinema by tucking it into my sock. It made me look like I had a pronounced limp and my feet now smell of peri peri but it was totally worth it.

Reviews don’t really mean anything, do they? We’re all wired so differently that a film or a song or a risotto is going to have a wildly different effect on me than it’s going to have on you. And yet we love to quantify, categorise and clarify. We live to put stuff in boxes and then mark them good or bad with thick black unequivocal lines. The Haiku Review is different. It recognises that reviewing stuff is pretty much meaningless and as such it only spends 17 syllables doing it. It doesn’t differentiate between media and it’s structured from best to worst, enabling you my lucky readers to make direct comparisons between, say, my new shoes and stand-up comedian Jimmy Carr. Be here every Friday for more Ancient Japanese-themed review fun.

#1

Weddings (traditional ceremony) Today you joined hands/ and ran headlong into your/ future. Never stop  Y: The Last Man (comic) It makes me weep that/ something so funny and smart/ exists in this world  Greenbelt (festival) We shall do well here/ people seem genuinely/ happy together  Chocolate Chai Tea (drink) It tastes like a bar/ of chocolate exploded in/ a spice factory  Hoopla Impro Workshop (workshop) Your entertainment/ for the evening is coming/ out of your own head  Leeds (city) It is cold up here/ fearless girls bare their flesh and/ don’t even goose bump  inFamous (game ps3) Like Grand Theft Auto/ but I can shoot lightning and/ throw cars around. Nice!  Alton Towers (theme park) Sensations that are/ otherwise reserved for those/ ending their own lives Funny People (film) Long, self-indulgent/ movie that is nonetheless/ revelatory  The Host (book) Clumsy, obvious/ broad-brushed and naive and yet/ fitfully brilliant  Pizza Express (restaurant) Tasty, generic/ food served in disturbingly/ identical rooms  The Time Traveler’s Wife (film) Although you have a/ kind of warmth. It is mostly/ reflected glory  G-Force (film) Shit in 3D is/ still shit. It’s just shit with a/ greater depth of field