The Spirit of the Stairwell

Right, first things first. It’s cold out there. Have you noticed? I noticed because I was in shorts and my legs have now been cryogenically frozen for future generations to enjoy. I didn’t intend to freeze them, it just happened when I walked out of the door this morning. Still, I suppose the decapitated head of Walt Disney will have a use for them when they finally wake him up.

My legs are actually in pretty good nick at the moment. All this cycling is probably doing them some good. Well, it’s either the cycling or the sitting on the sofa watching Mad Men. I mean, I’m no doctor or anything.

It’s crazy actually, I looked down at them when I got out the shower the other day and I didn’t recognise them. I thought I was looking at some Rugby player’s legs who had snuck in while I was lathering up and installed a complicated system of mirrors in my bathroom with the sole intention of creating an optical illusion whereby he substituted an image of his legs for mine when I looked down. An insanely complex plan with little in the way of pay off, but some people do have too much time on their hands.

Anyway, the point is my legs have changed. They’re all bulgy in odd places and don’t seem to get tired as easily. Also they’re covered in bruises and cuts like I’m some sort of action hero or ninja. Do you want to see a picture? Alright, you twisted my arm.

My legs!

See? I don’t know if you know what they used to look like but it was more along the lines of two pieces of spaghetti dangling in mid air like a couple of stringy, beige losers. I like these new ones, I think Walt Disney will be very happy with them.

The ride to Denmark is approaching with terrifying rapidity and so I’ve made two strategic moves. I’ve bought thermal underwear and I’ve got the bike serviced. Now all I need is a gel-filled saddle cover and I might yet come out of this still able to have children.

The bike servicing was particularly eventful in that the repair shop basically chucked out every component of my bike and fitted new ones. New chain, cassette, brakes, pads, cables, lights – I am reminded of the age old problem of David Hume and the broom (or as I like to think of it now – the Sugababe Factor). Can we even think of it as the same item when so much of it’s original parts have been replaced?

Not to get existential or anything. It just cost nearly £200 which is a lot of money when you’re not expecting it. The bike is very shiny now though and goes like the clappers.

Although that could be down to the legs, which I didn’t pay anything for.

I’m going to watch Mad Men now.