An article I wrote for Ctrl.Alt.Shift.

The town seems unnaturally clean, the streets are straight and uniform, stretching out at right angles in all directions. Large friendly signs hang above each road clearly stating what you can find along them ’schools & library’ or ‘park & duck pond’. Everything in neat little rows – from the terraced Value Estates to the mansions and castles in *Finest Heights. The citizens move slowly down these pathways as if sleep walking, wearing their identical blue and white-striped blazers and name badges. The cars are activated by putting in a pound coin but tend to swerve all over the road. Suddenly a deafening public address system crackles to life: Bing-bong. Citizens should note that there is a 2-for-1 offer on school entry at the Value Comprehensive. Thank you. Bing-bong.

Welcome to Tesco Town.

It may seem like the kind of satirical dystopian future that would spring from the fevered imaginings of Chris Morris or Armando Iannucci but worryingly Tesco Town is a very real possibility. Reports came in yesterday of Tesco’s intention to build a ‘supermarket suburb’ next to the Olympic site in Tower Hamlets. The area is already groaning under the weight of 10 new Tesco stores built in the last two years but it seems the supermarket giant wants to go for a total scorched earth policy, an 11-acre site with a 24-hour Tesco Extra hypermarket at its centre. Tesco are also planning housing, hotels, parks, schools and a library called, in true Orwellian fashion, the Idea Store. Creepy.

Most of us have come to terms with the fact that we now live in a world where 6% of the population own 59% of the wealth. We know large multinationals are richer than most emerging economies but it does seem to be taking the piss a bit for them to actually start building capital cities. How long will it be until we get Tesco Cathedrals with ‘Every Little Helps …’ carved over the vaulted entrance in Latin? Or the Tesco Political Party promising to save the economy with the same ruthless single-mindedness it uses to crush local stores and family businesses?

Tesco’s chief executive Terry Leahy has already thrown his hat into the political arena, describing Britain’s school system as “woeful”. Thanks for that Terry but I’m not quite sure how a career peddling low-quality foodstuff to the hungry masses gives you a mandate to comment on education reform. It’s probably best you go back to putting Whoops! stickers on the chicken that smells a bit dodgy. You’re good at that.

The Tesco Occupied Territories of east London. We’re through the looking glass here, people, the war of attrition with major corporations is just beginning. And to the future residents of Tesco Town let me just say this – squeeze the produce before you buy. It might be rotten and leave a bad taste in your mouth.